If It's Meant to Be
by thatgirlwhowritesscripts
Summary: AU starting from S4E11. Everyone knows they are soul mates, but with Derek so impatient to live happily ever after and Meredith trying to heal her emotional issues, will the timing ever be right? Maybe Meredith needs to discover who she is a little more before she can fully commit to another. With help of old & current friends, will Meredith and Derek find their back to each other?
1. Chapter 1 - Sick Days

**Grey's Anatomy AU. Starting from S4E11. Everyone knows they are soulmates, but with Derek so impatient to live happily ever after and Meredith trying to heal her emotional issues, will the timing ever be right? Maybe Meredith needs to discover who she is a little more before she can fully commit to another. With help of old and current friends, will Meredith and Derek find their back to each other? How long will it actually take?**

* * *

"I can't do it anymore." Derek said looking down at her.

"Well neither can I." Meredith said back. She began to walk away as the evidence of her sadness began to fill her eyes. She quickly blinked the tears away before they had a chance to form and escape. She entered the stairwell and took a seat on one of the steps. Taking in a deep breath she relaxes her shoulders and looks at the wall. She closes her eyes and breathes. She then rises to her feet after gaining her composure and climbs the flight of stairs. She exits the stairwell and walks down the hallway heading towards the chief's office.

* * *

Richard Webber knew he was going to be in trouble when he looked at the clock two hours ago. He promised his wife he'd be home before seven, so when he realized he broke that promise he stayed in his office where it was safe rather than going home and facing the wrath of Adele. It was nine o'clock at night and he'd knew she'd be up for at least another hour, so he will stay in his office until it was safe to go home. At least he had mountains of paperwork to keep him company. He was just reading through a new budget plan when a knock on the door caught his attention. He looked up and saw Ellis Grey's daughter standing in the open doorway. "Meredith what can I do for you?" he says putting the packet down on his desk. Meredith walked in the room and closed the door behind her. She took a seat and looked at the man who in a way, though she'd always deny it, was indeed like a father to her.

"Well I was wondering, since it's the end of the quarter and all…" she began hesitantly. She took a shaky breath then continued speaking. "I haven't used any of my sick days for this quarter, and I know we get three sick days per quarter and you either use them or lose them, so I'm just letting you know that starting tomorrow I will be out for the next three days." Richard looked at her knowing something was off. Meredith Grey doesn't take time off. Not when she had an emergency appendectomy, not when she drowned and her mother died, no sir, it was a fight to get her to even take the required medical leave following such things.

"Well are you sick?" Richard asked raising his eyebrows. He knew she wasn't.

"Oh, yes, I'm sick, very, very sick." Meredith said as she forced a cough out of her mouth. A very unconvincing cough, be that as it may.

"Okay then. Get well soon." He said unconvinced as he looked at her. Meredith nodded quickly and left the room. Richard stared quizzically at the door. He knew he shouldn't pry, as much as he wanted to. He'd promised Ellis he would look after her daughter even if his help was unwanted and unwelcome. If something was bothering Meredith and she didn't want to talk to him about it he shouldn't force her to. If she needed a few days to think well that's her right. She's not endangering anyone, she's not being irresponsible, if she needed a break hell she can take a break. It's not like she skips work or is jeopardizing her education as a surgical resident, hell she was one of the best in the group, but he still can't help but worry a little. He let out a sigh. Something was going on, he just doesn't know what, and he knows it's going to eat at him until she comes back in three days. So much for getting all the paperwork done, how could he focus on it now?

* * *

She spent the rest of her shift avoiding. Avoiding the OR, avoiding her friends, avoiding her interns, and especially avoiding Derek. It had only been a few hours since her brief conversation with the chief, and now as her shift had ended she found herself sitting on the bench of the resident's lounge staring at her cubby. It was so strange, this morning she was making an omelet trying to be sisterly when Derek sprung house plans on her without any warning, jumping the gun on the happily ever after part of their nontraditional love story. Now they're broken up. That empty feeling she's felt before when she ended things the first time has returned in the pit of her gut. It's a feeling she knows all too well now. Christina enters the lounge and begins to change out of her scrubs. Meredith stands up and leans against the cubby facing her. "Hey can you take my interns for the next three days? I'm not gonna be here." She tells her person. Christina looks at her confused.

"I don't want your stupid interns. Why aren't you going to be here?" Christina asks as she tosses her lab coat in her cubby.

"I'm just taking a few days off." Meredith replies. Christina looks at her, waiting for Meredith give her a better explanation. "Derek and I broke up." Christina scoffed.

"Again?"

"I just need some time to think." Meredith says. "It's only three days. I'll do whatever you want." She bargains. Christina sighs and looks at her friend with sympathy.

"Fine." She agrees. Meredith nods before grabbing her bag and leaving the lounge. As she passes the nurses station, she sees Derek talking to one of the scrub nurses. The two are smiling at each other and she notices the nurse blush. Meredith looks away sadly and continues walking to the elevator, and when the door open she sees Mark Sloan standing in the tiny space looking down at his phone. Meredith enters and stands next to Mark as the doors close and the elevator begins to descend. She stares at the doors, waiting. Mark looks up from his phone and looks at Meredith.

"You okay?" he asks.

"I'm fine." She answers quickly.

"You sure?"

"Just drop it." Meredith tells him. The doors open and she exits leaving a slightly confused Mark behind. As she walks through the lobby she digs her phone out of her pocket and dials a number she hasn't dialed in years. She was surprised when the other line picked up.

"Now why would Meredith Grey be calling me?" the voice on the other end of the phone said.

"I didn't think you'd be up. I was just going to leave you a voicemail. Why are you awake?"

"Sleep is irrelevant Grey. You know that as much as I do. What's up?"

"I just want you to know I'm headed your way. I need some perspective." Meredith says into the phone.

"Oooo like in the good old days?"

"Kind of."

"Now why should I be interested? It's been years. I have a life now you know."

"We have the same life. Surgical residents have no life outside the hospital."

"Yeah but what if I don't wanna see you?" the voice teased.

"Seriously?"

"Nah I'm just bullshitting ya' what time are you gonna be here?"

"In about eight hours."

"See you then."

"See you." Meredith said before she hung up the phone. She got into her car and drove home; she needed to grab a few things before she drove to the airport.


	2. Chapter 2 - Gulps of Tequila

After sleeping in an awfully uncomfortable business class seat near the aisle for six hours, Meredith stood on the escalator as it descended down to the ground floor of the American Airlines terminal B baggage claim area of Logan International Airport in Boston, Massachusetts. As she looked around she heard her phone ring. "Hello?"

"I'm here. Where the hell are you?" Meredith looks around and groans a little when she spots the person she came to visit holding a sign that has the word "Psycho" written in big bubble letters with red marker.

"I see you." Meredith says before she hangs up the phone and walks over to her friend. Meredith gives her pal a sarcastic smile. "Really? Was the sign really necessary?" she asks.

"Of course. Don't you like it? It took me about five minutes to make. I'm really proud of it." Her friend says happily. Meredith smiles.

"It's good to see you Casey." Meredith says.

"It's good to see you Grey." The two smile and hug. "So, what brings you out here after all these years? And don't tell me it's because you missed the east coast. I mean I know you missed me but you know who wouldn't miss this face. The last time I saw you we were up in New Hampshire."

"You mean I need an explanation to spontaneously fly out in the middle of the night to visit my old friend Abigail Casey?" Meredith teases as she and Abigail begin to walk out of the building, Meredith pulling a small roller bag behind her.

"Uh, yeah. Because you've never visited me before, as soon as we graduated med school it was like BAM! Gone! No goodbye, no call, no letter. I don't know why you were so hell bent on getting back to Seattle. It was like four years of college and four years of med school together meant absolutely nothing to you."

"You know that's not true. You know my reasons." Meredith said a little defensively.

"Yeah I know. Mom stuff. Stuff that you wouldn't tell me; but come on it's been a little over a year and the only time I hear from you is when you call me in the middle of the night telling me you're coming my way. What's up with that? Spill!"

"I will tell you everything just as soon as I get a couple shots of tequila in me." Meredith promised.

"That's my girl! Come one let's get black out drunk like we used to in college!" Abigail says excitedly.

"Sounds good to me." Meredith smiles. She tries takes the sign Abigail was holding but her friend refused to give it up.

"I'm not gonna let you throw this sign away. I worked hard on it." The two friends smile as Abigail leads Meredith to her car.

* * *

If there was one thing Christina Yang hated more than anything it was interns, especially her interns. Now she's stuck with Meredith's interns and she is not looking forward to it. After giving them a list of things to do so they'd leave her alone, the group evaporated, that is until Lexie Grey came up to her. "What do you want 3?" She asks, irritated that Meredith's little doe-eyed sister was near her.

"Well, I was um…"

"Hey Yang do you know where Mer is?" Alex asked as he walked up to them, cutting Lexie off.

"Isn't she at home? She dumped her interns on me and took the next few days off." Christina says, confusion written across her face.

"No. She came home for like a minute last night then left." Alex stated.

"Huh. Well she's not here."

"Well then where is she?" Alex asked sounding annoyed.

"Enough with the attitude Evil Spawn." Christina says while Mark Sloan joins their little group. The plastic surgeon places his cup of coffee on the counter and turns his attention to Christina.

"Hey I need an intern got any to spare?" Mark asks the two residents.

"Ha, I got plenty, go right ahead and take as many as you need." Christina laughs.

"Is Grey okay?" Mark asks.

"I'm fine." Lexie states.

"Not you, the other Grey. I saw her leave last night and I don't know, she seemed down, like more than usual."

"Oh you didn't hear? She and Dr. Shepherd broke up last night. And then he asked out the scrub nurse he kissed." Lexie said earning a look from Christina.

"And how do you know that mousey?" Christina asked.

"Are you kidding me? People feed on gossip here." The intern answered before cowering back a few steps from Christina's intimidating glare.

"Well is Meredith okay? She seemed kind of off." Mark asked.

"Aren't you friends with Shepherd? Shouldn't he get you in the divorce?" Christina jokes.

"I care about Grey too. She's my fellow Dirty Mistress." Mark points out.

"Did Mer say anything to you?" Alex asked.

"Oh my god." Christina groans as she gets out her phone. She calls Meredith and puts the phone to her ear. "I'm calling her, okay, is that what you want? Will you two shut up now?" She looks at Alex and Mark, and then glances at Lexie. The four wait as the phone continues to ring.

"Hello?" Christina hears Meredith's voice through the phone.

"Where are you? Karev says you aren't home." Christina asks.

"Oh, I'm in Boston." Christina scoffs.

"What the hell are you doing there?" She asks harshly.

"I'm visiting a friend. Like I said I just needed a break."

"Okay when you said break, I thought you meant staying in bed eating cereal out of the box moping in heartbroken despair."

"I'm sorry I'll make it up to you when I get back, which will be tomorrow night."

"Oh you owe me big time. Your interns are idiots." Christina sneers.

"You have George."

"Oh yeah like that makes me feel better, having Bambi as an intern."

"Look I got to go. I'll talk to you when I get back." Meredith says before she ends the call. Christina scoffs as she puts the phone back in her pocket. The attending, resident, and intern look at her.

"Well?" Alex asks.

"She's fine." Christina states in a very professional attitude, as if it were no big deal her person was on the other side of the country.

"Where is she?"

"Boston."

"What the hell is she doing in Boston?" Mark asks.

"Visiting a friend. I don't know. All I know is she'll be back tomorrow night." She says dismissively. Mark grabs his coffee and walks away muttering "Boston" repeatedly, trying to figure out why Meredith would be there.

* * *

Meredith sat back down on her friend's couch placing her cell phone on the coffee table. Abigail came over from the kitchen and placed two shot glasses and an unopened bottle of tequila on the table. After opening the bottle, she filled the glasses and then handed one to Meredith. "Here's to day drinking." Abigail said cheerfully. They clinked their glasses then downed the alcohol. "So. Spill." Abigail commands as she fills up the shot glasses once more.

"Where do I start?" Meredith mumbles.

"Well, I hear the beginning is a good place." Abigail smirks, earning a glare from Meredith.

"The night before my first day as an intern I slept with someone." Meredith stated.

"Well that's nothing new." Abigail stated as she began to slowly sip the contents of the shot glass.

"The next day I found out my one-night-stand was the Head of Neurology at Seattle Grace." Hearing this Abigail spat out her drink and began choking on her own laughter. Hearing her friends hysterical laughter Meredith downed her second shot.

"You slept with a man not knowing he was your boss? That's hilarious."

"Thanks Abby. It was humiliating." Meredith stated as Abby refilled their glasses.

"Continue."

"We eventually started going out and, I fell for him. I fell in love with him." Meredith said. Abby gasped.

"You've never done that before." She commented. Meredith nods.

"Then after two months, his wife showed up." Meredith emptied her shot glass into her mouth as Abby's mouth hung in shock.

"No way." Abby said wide-eyed as she refilled Meredith's glass.

"They used to live in New York, then she cheated on him with his best friend and he moved to Seattle."

"That must've sucked."

"Then I did something horrifying. I begged him to stay with me. I begged. Begged." Meredith threw back her fourth shot.

"Who have you turned in to?" Abby asked.

"A pathetic loser. And guess what. He chose his wife, over me." Meredith continued as she held her glass out for Abby to refill. "Oh you'll love this, I had a feeling one day that I was going to die, and later that same day I found myself holding a bomb steady in some man's chest cavity."

"A bomb?" Abby exclaimed. Meredith nodded. Abby downed her shot then refilled her glass.

"I got it out and handed it to the bomb squad guy, but he got like forty feet away from me before it exploded, and you wanna know what, the only memory I wanted to die thinking of was my last kiss with Derek, that's his name, Derek, and I couldn't remember. After that I adopted a dog but he was too much for me to handle so I gave him to Derek and his wife, we kind of shared him, oh the guy Mark, Derek's ex-best friend showed up and we flirted a little before Derek punched him to the ground. I slept with my roommate George and when I said it was a mistake he was so hurt he stopped talking to me for a while, Derek and I tried being friends but Derek got mad when I started dating our dog's vet. I never slept with the vet but Derek thought I did and called me a whore, we had to put our dog down because he had bone cancer, then the whole hospital had a prom for our chief's niece and I ended up sleeping with Derek. Then I started dating Finn the vet and Derek at the same time. Then I had to have my appendix out and after my surgery Derek broke up with me but I broke up with Finn but when I told Derek he was the one I chose he said he needed some space. Then when we finally did get back together there was the ferryboat disaster and I drowned…"

"You drowned?" Abby asks worriedly. Meredith nodded as she downed her shot.

"And I died. For like four hours. And during those four hours I was in like this limbo heaven. I saw my mom there and that's how I know she died."

"You died!" Abby shrieked as put her shot glass down and she took the bottle, swallowing a big gulp of tequila from it.

"I came back to life though. I'm not done yet."

"Oh god there's more?" Abby looked at Meredith in utter horror before taking another chug from the bottle.

"Yes. So after I died and came back to life I was like even more dark and twisty that I usually am. Derek wanted more of a commitment from me but that kind of scared me so we kind of broke up, we just kept the having sex with each other part because that was the only part of the relationship that worked, sex and mockery, then I met my half sister Lexie, who is an intern at Seattle Grace, the same hospital her mother died at and I worked on her mother's case so I saw my father and that didn't go well at all, anyway I told Derek I didn't want him seeing anyone but me and that I was trying but I still wasn't ready and yesterday morning he showed me house plans of a house that will be ours in the future. He told me he wants to marry me and have kids and build a dream house, then I found out he kissed a scrub nurse and we broke up again because even though I'm trying to be what he wants he's tired of waiting." Meredith took a breath as she and Abby just stared at each other for a moment. "And now I'm here." Abby looked at Meredith, taking a few seconds to process everything she just learned.

"Okay can I just say that I totally regret not coming with you to Seattle. Goddamn I wish I could've have been there to see all of that, so much drama." Abby said as she took another chug from the bottle. She handed the bottle to Meredith and Meredith took a huge gulp from it as well. "Grey if your life was a TV show I would watch it all the time."

* * *

 **Okay so here's another chapter. In this story Mark is going to be both a friend for Derek and Meredith, he doesn't really have a side he's taking. He's like the mediator kind of. I like Mark and Meredith's friendship so even though they weren't all that close in the show I'm going to build their friendship more and more in this story.**


	3. Chapter 3 - Standing on the Line

Derek looked at the surgical board and smiled. It was a simple day. As long as there were no incoming traumas he should be able to make it out at a decent hour. Maybe he could take Rose out again. He had a very good time last night when they went out to dinner. Mark walked by not even noticing him. "Hey Mark." Derek called after his friend. Mark turned around looking confused. "Everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh yeah just thinking about Boston." Mark muttered.

"Boston?" Derek laughed. "Why?"

"No reason." Mark said as Richard walked by. "I'll be right back." He told Derek before catching up with the chief. "Hey Richard what do you know about Meredith Grey and Boston?" Mark asked the chief. Richard stopped walking and looked at his head of Plastics.

"Excuse me?"

"Boston and Meredith Grey. What's the link?" Mark asked.

"Well I do know Meredith spent a good part of her life there. Her mother did her fellowship at Mass Gen. Then Meredith went up to New Hampshire for college. She's spent a lot of time living on the east coast."

"Huh."

"Why are you asking me this Sloan?" Richard asked.

"No reason, she's just visiting a friend there right now."

"Wait, she's there right now?"

"Yeah."

"I knew she wasn't sick." Richard muttered.

"Sick?"

"She's using her quarterly sick days. She has the next two days off."

"Something's going on. All right thanks Richard." Mark said as he walked back towards Derek. Derek saw the perplexed look on his friends face.

"What was that about?" Derek asked when his friend returned.

"Oh we were talking about Meredith, speaking of which, I heard you two broke up. What'd you do?" Mark chuckled as a nurse handed him a chart. He began to read through the binder.

"I didn't do anything. All I did was show her the house plans. Why were you two talking about Meredith?" Mark looked up from the binder and stared at Derek.

"You're a dumbass." Mark says straightforwardly before glancing back down at the chart.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Dumbass. You two just got back together and you showed the commitment-phobe house plans."

"I was calling her bluff. I don't know why she's afraid to commit."

"Because you made her that way. It seemed like every time she did commit you did something to ruin it." Mark stated.

"I'm not the only one to blame for this." Derek said.

"True, but you do hold a big part of it. I hear you took out that scrub nurse you kissed. Couldn't even wait a day." Mark stated. Derek looked at his friend, feeling guilty all of a sudden. "Like I said, big part of the blame." Mark flipped a page in the binder. "What do you think about Boston?" Mark asks.

"What?" Derek asks confused by the sudden change in topic.

"It's pretty far. And there's that three hour time difference. Kind of be hard to keep in touch with someone that far away." Mark muttered.

"Yeah I guess. Why? You thinking about moving there?" Derek joked.

"Not me." Mark answered seriously. "Maybe someone I know. I'm not sure yet. She's visiting it today, said she was seeing a friend. Apparently she spent a lot of time growing up there. Went to college in New Hampshire. Maybe she misses the east coast." Mark says as he writes something down in the chart.

"Who?" Derek asks. Mark looks up and hands the chart back to the nurse.

"See you later." Mark said before walking away from a confused Derek.

* * *

Meredith lies on Abby's couch staring at the ceiling silently. The bottle and shot glasses had been put away, and Abby stands at her counter making two sandwiches. They took a small break from talking. Abby knows there's more talking to be done. Their conversation earlier was just like a list of events in a timeline, and now it's time to dive in and get to the details. There are some things that caught her attention and that needed to be explained in depth. The bomb, the drowning, Derek; it all needed to be explained. "I got to say…" Abby says breaking the silence. "I would love to meet this Derek."

"Shut up." Meredith groaned as she draped an arm over her eyes.

"I'm just saying. I want to meet the man who stole my friend's heart. My friend who didn't believe in love and said she was okay being alone with meaningless drunken sex, fell in love. My friend who fell head over for someone, I want to see what's so special about him." Abby explained. Meredith sighs.

"I don't know why I fell for him. All I know is that I fell, hard, on my face." Meredith says stubbornly. Abby carries two plates over to Meredith. Meredith sits up and takes one of the plates. Abby takes a seat next to her friend and puts her plate on the coffee table. "Do you know it was Derek who pulled me out of the water when I drowned?" Meredith said taking a bite out of her sandwich.

"Speaking of that, why did you drown? You're a good swimmer Grey. Did you hit your head? Were you unconscious when you hit the water?" Abby asks. She knows her friend can swim, all those trips to the beach and playing in the waves when they were in school together serve as proof she can at least keep her head above water. Meredith sighed and put her plate with her sandwich down on the table next to Abby's.

"No I didn't hit my head. I was aware of what was happening. I did swim for a while, but then I stopped."

"Why did you stop?" Abby asks. She's known Meredith for ten years. They met in college and before they went to med school together they spent a year backpacking across Europe with their friend Sadie. She knows Meredith very well, and has a sixth sense for certain things. Abby has an idea of what may be going on, having known Meredith for such a long time, knowing that her mother was surgical royal Ellis Grey, knowing details of her family that Meredith only shared with a certain number of people. Abby knows things about Meredith's past that hasn't been shared with anyone they were that close. She can see her friend is broken, more damaged then she was before they parted ways. Abby was annoyed that they went so long without talking or seeing each other, but their friendship is the kind that isn't affected by time. They could spend years apart without so much as a word and pick up where they left off with no awkwardness. Abby knew that. Meredith knew that. That's why Meredith came. Sure Meredith's friendship with Abby is entirely different than her one with her twisted sister Christina. Christina will always be Meredith's person, her best friend, her surrogate sister, Meredith knew that, and she knew Abby wouldn't be hurt by losing the title of best friend to someone else; people grow and relationships change, but they're still close friends and will always be close. "Meredith, why did you stop swimming?" Abby calmly repeated her question. Meredith looked at Abby sadly.

"My mother had Alzheimer's. That's why I went to Seattle. I had to take care of her. A couple days before the ferryboat accident, she was in the hospital, she needed heart surgery; anyway she was lucid. Completely aware, and when I told her about my life, that I was happy, all she could say was how disappointed she was in me, and how she raised me to be an extraordinary human being but I was just ordinary. I don't know why I cared about what she said, she was a horrible mother and she was never there for me growing up. Literally, she spent all her time at the hospital; but, she was still my mom and I still loved her, and her words, they got to me. They affected me more than they should have. After she said those words I left to go to work and when I came back later that day, planning to stand up to her, she wasn't lucid anymore. I didn't get to say what I wanted to say, she was gone, again; and after that I felt… numb. I didn't feel sad or angry, I just felt numb. It was like all the emotion drained out of me. So when I was swimming my thoughts went back to my mother. That numbness I was feeling inside started to take physical form with the cold water, and I asked myself: why fight? What's the point? So I just stopped fighting. I stopped swimming. I gave up." Meredith explained solemnly. Abby felt her eyes water, her heart breaking for her friend. "When I was dead, I was in my own sort of limbo where I had to make a choice whether I should go back or stay dead. I saw some people who I met and died this past year, and they helped me work through why I gave up, they helped me realize that I wanted to be alive and be with Derek and my friends. Then I saw my mom. She told me to just keep going. She hugged me and told me I was anything but ordinary. She told me to run, and I did, and then I came back to life." Neither Abby nor Meredith did anything to hide the tears that were slowly dribbling down their faces.

"Tell me about the bomb." Abby said wiping her face with the palm of her hand. Meredith took a breath and looked at Abby.

"That was before the drowning. Derek was still with his wife. It was after he chose her over me. A man was accidentally shot with a homemade bazooka. They used homemade shells for the bomb so it was very unstable. The bomb was lodged in his chest. A young paramedic was holding it in place, unaware that she was touching an explosive. When we did figure out there was a bomb the hospital called a code black. Everyone had to evacuate, but I decided to stay, along with my friend Christina and our attending Dr. Burke. The bomb squad was called in. The paramedic became hysterical and when she removed her hand, without thinking I stepped in and before I realized what I did I was holding a bomb inside a man's chest. Even the slightest movement could've set the bomb off. When the paramedic ran everyone hit the floor, but I decided to hold the bomb in place." Meredith explained. "I told my friend earlier that day that I had a feeling, a weird feeling, like I was going to die, and then a few hours later I found myself holding a bomb." Abby listened to the story intently, and she realized something Meredith might not have realized herself. Her friend has an instinct to stand on the line between life and death. She's not purposely suicidal, she doesn't plan to put herself in these situations, but she is careless with her life. When these situations do come up, she doesn't do anything to get out of them. Most people have the instinct run away from danger because they're afraid of dying or getting hurt, some have the instinct to run towards the danger with the intent to help, but Meredith, it's like she stands there looking at the threat, and does nothing about it; like she's waiting for it to either kill her or disappear. Abby remembers one night they were about to cross the street but a speeding car drove by running the light, almost hitting them. Abby remembers her heart racing and the fear, but Meredith seemed unfazed by what had happened. Meredith just watched the car drive away. It's one thing to not be afraid of death, but to welcome it with open arms?

"Why do you keep finding yourself in life threatening situations?" Abby asks. The question wasn't for Abby, it was for Meredith.

"I don't know." Meredith says.

"Why do you have so little regard for your own life? You're a _doctor_. A _surgeon_. You _save_ lives. But you don't seem to care about whether _you_ live or die." Meredith looks at Abby. "Why is that?"

"I don't know." Meredith states again. Meredith remembers her mother, her mother was a surgeon but she actually tried to kill herself.

"I think you do." Abby said. Meredith sighed. "Forget knowing. Forget logic and thoughts. What do you feel?" Abby presses. Meredith knows what she feels, but it's a feeling. Her mother taught her that feelings shouldn't matter. Facts, logic, right answer wrong answer, that's what makes up the truth. Meredith feels like if she says what she is feeling out loud it would become permanent. It would become a fact. She wouldn't be able to shove it out of her mind, she would have to face it and deal with it. Is she ready to deal with it? Is she ready to understand and get through feeling like this and move forward? Is she ready to take that step? She's never felt the need to, but if she wanted to be able to love fully, to not be afraid, she can't be stuck. That's what she is right now: stuck. She's gotten comfortable being stuck, used to feeling the way she is. It scares her to try and work things out. If she says out loud what she's feeling, she can't take it back. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, but what if you don't want to recover? Meredith squeezes her eyes shut and inhales a deep breath. Her eyes open and she looks at Abby who is patiently awaiting an answer. Abby knows she's going to tell her, she can feel it. She knows not to rush her. She knows that Meredith needs to make the first step solely on her own.

"Worthless." Meredith says sadly. "I feel worthless."

* * *

 **I'm so glad people seem to be interested in this story! I do have to say that in this story Meredith isn't as strong as she is in the show. In the show we rarely see Meredith fall apart about anything. Along with the alternate story-line this is kind of like a "what if" story about what if Meredith wasn't as emotionally cut off as she was in the actual show. In this fic we get to see a more vulnerable Meredith and dive into more detail about everything that made Meredith afraid to feel and love, not just why she can't trust Derek.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Nostalgia Can Be Good

Meredith sits on the couch next to Abby and silently cries. She did it. She admitted what she was feeling for years. She glances at Abby who is looking at her with sad eyes. "I feel like I'm not worth anything. I'm damaged and broken. I have been for years." Meredith says. "I have daddy issues, mommy issues, abandonment issues, commitment issues, and I have severe emotional limitations. It's pathetic. I have so many problems. My dad never bothered to fight for me, he just decided to have another family forgetting all about me, my mom never showed me any kind of love, she slit her wrists in front of me trying to kill herself, the one time I take a chance and allow myself to fall in love the guy ends up having a wife then chooses her over me then gets mad when I try to move on, I'm dark and twisted inside, I have a half sister who is a borderline stalker trying to get to know me, and I'm not capable of accepting love. I'm afraid of it because I've been hurt too many times." Meredith cries. Abby wraps an arm around Meredith and lets her cry into her shoulder. "I don't know what to do." As Meredith sobs Abby just sits there and waits. Eventually Meredith calms down and pulls away from Abby's embrace.

"Feel better?" Abby asks. Sometimes a good cry can help you feel better.

"A little." Meredith admits. "What do I do?" Meredith asks.

"You know, sometimes just talking about everything, going through the details of everything and you're feelings about it, is all you really need to figure things out. You have been bottling up all your pain since you were what? Four years old? You've been avoiding dealing with all the horrible feelings you've had for the past twenty-five years, and you know what, you're starting to break because of it. You can't hold it all in anymore. You are one of the strongest people I know, but no one is that strong." Abby says.

"So what do I do?"

"Maybe it's time to share your pain. To tell someone what you've been feeling all these years. You've never let anyone help you before; maybe its time let people be there for you. I think you need to face the pain you've been avoiding all your life. I think you need to face it, feel it, deal with it, and when all that's done, you finally let it go. You can't move on unless you deal with it." Abby says softly while Meredith listens intently. Meredith understands what Abby is saying, but dealing with one's inner demons is easier said that done. It's like re-breaking a bone that hasn't healed properly. Is she strong enough to face all the pain she's shut out for years? She doesn't know if she'll be able to make it through. She has walls for a reason, and those walls were like rings in a tree. Every year a tree grows a new layer of bark, like an additional wall of armor. Every year Meredith's walls grew stronger, and the stronger a wall is the harder it is to knock down. She feels like knocking down that huge thick wall she will be that vulnerable four-year-old again. All throughout her childhood, all throughout her life she's been hurt and neglected.

"I don't know if I can." Meredith says.

"Well, you won't unless you try." Abby said quietly as she rubbed Meredith's shoulder trying her best to comfort her. "Hey, I have the day off but do you maybe want to go to the hospital with me? There's a patient I want to check on. Maybe after we could go get an early dinner and hangout by the harbor."

"Why would I want to go see a hospital I practically grew up in?" Meredith asked, almost chuckling.

"Because it's where I work. And maybe seeing the place you grew up would be good for you. Sometimes nostalgia's a good thing." Abby smirks. Meredith rolls her eyes then as much as she tried not to, she smiled.

"Fine." She said. Abby smiled and she got up. She took the dishes from the coffee table and placed them in the dishwasher. Meredith got up and checked her phone. She had a few missed calls from Christina, Izzie, and Alex. She read an unopened text message from Christina that said: _If you need to talk I'm here._ She then put her phone up to her ear to listen to a voicemail Alex left her.

"Hey Mer are you okay? I know you're in Boston visiting someone but if you need to talk to anyone, just know you have people here who care about you. And I don't know if you want to hear this, but I just don't want you to be blindsided when you get back… Derek went out to dinner with Rose last night, the scrub nurse he kissed. Call if you need anything. And if you want, I'll kick Shepherd's ass. Just say the word. See ya'." After listening to the voicemail Meredith felt her heart sink a little. Derek moved on that quickly? She can't help but feel a little betrayed.

"All right ready to go?" Abby asked as she grabbed her purse, keys, and jacket. "You good?" Abby asked when she saw Meredith's face.

"Yeah I'm fine. Let's just go." Meredith said quickly. She pulled on her jacket and followed Abby out of the apartment. With Meredith in tow Abby lead the way out of the building and to the street where her car was parked. The drive to Abby's workplace was short, and when they pulled into the parking lot Meredith could sense the familiarity. Even though Meredith knew every inch of that hospital she let Abby lead the way. As they got closer to the main entrance Meredith stopped and looked at the doors. Abby turns around and stands next to Meredith.

"Does it feel weird?" Abby asks.

"A little." Meredith says.

"Got to love the taste of nostalgia." Abby laughs. Meredith smiles as they walk into the building. The two friends then begin to walk the familiar halls of Massachusetts General Hospital.

* * *

Christina felt nothing but disgust when she saw Derek and Rose sitting together in the cafeteria. They were smiling and laughing. They looked happy. If looks could kill Derek would be dead and she'd be arrested. She was sitting and eating her lunch contently with Alex and Lexie but her mood turned foul when she saw McDreamy sitting with the scrub nurse. "You okay?" Izzie asked Christina as she and George joined them.

"He couldn't even wait a day before asking the nurse out." Christina stated. George and Izzie turned and looked at Derek and Rose.

"Derek is dating the nurse?" George asked.

"Her and Mer broke up last night." Christina states. Hearing this George can't help but feel a little guilty, if he hadn't told Meredith about Derek kissing the nurse they might not have broken up.

"Wait they broke up last night and he's already dating someone else?" Izzie asks.

"Yeah." Christina stated harshly. "McNurse." Christina snarls, her voice full of judgement.

"I can't believe it. The way he'd talk about Meredith, you could tell he loved her. How could he move on so quickly?" Lexie added. Christina turns and looks at her.

"Why are you here?" Christina asks the intern, then quickly turning back to observe Derek and Rose with disgust written on her face . Lexie looks down and pops a grape in her mouth.

"Is it wrong that I want to kick his ass?" Alex asks.

"No. I think we all want to." Izzie states. "Where is Mer? I haven't seen her all day? Is she okay?"

"She's in Boston." Alex answers.

"What?" George asks. "Why is she in Boston?"

"She's visiting a friend." Christina states.

"So she just flew out to Boston?" Izzie asks, shocked.

"Yup. She'll be back tomorrow night." Christina states.

"It's not like her to miss work. She must really be upset." Izzie comments.

"Yeah I know. I'm worried, we all are, but there's nothing we can do until she comes home." Christina snaps. She gets up and walks away from the table, glaring at Derek and Rose as she passes them on her way out. She's worried about her person. She wants to help Meredith but she chose to go to Boston instead of talking to her. Christina knows she herself as a person is not warm and fuzzy, she doesn't like hugging and she doesn't like talking about feelings, but if her best friend needed to cry and spill her guts to someone she'd be there. She'd do anything for Meredith.

* * *

After seeing the resident's lounge and walking through the whole hospital, Meredith waits at the nurses station while Abby checks in on her patient. "Hey." Abby says walking up to Meredith.

"Hey. How's your patient?" Meredith asks.

"She's doing good."

"So what specialty are you thinking of?"

"You and I both know that second years shouldn't be choosing specialties, but between you and me I'm leaning towards pediatrics." Abby smiled.

"Then what are you doing here? You have the best Children's hospital in the country down the street from you." Meredith laughed. "Why don't you just do your residency there?"

"I like it here, and I'm only a second year resident. Besides there are pediatric cases here." Abby and Meredith smile.

"Dr. Casey what are you doing here on your day off?" a middle aged man asked as he walks up to them.

"Chief, I'm just checking up on a patient. I was also showing my friend around, she's a second year surgical resident at Seattle Grace Hospital in Washington." Abby introduces Meredith.

"Hello. I'm Dr. Wright, chief of surgery." Dr. Wright extended his hand. Meredith smiled and shook it.

"Meredith Grey." Meredith introduced herself.

"Grey? Any relation to Ellis Grey?" Dr. Wright asked.

"She was my mother." Meredith stated.

"Taking after you mother I see. That's wonderful. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." Meredith wasn't surprised that news of her mother's passing had reached Mass General. Ellis was a big deal there.

"If you're ever looking for a change of scenery we would love to have you as a surgical resident here." Dr. Wright said.

"Uh, thank you." Meredith said.

"It was nice meeting you. Dr. Casey." Dr. Wright excused himself and walked away. Abby stared at Meredith impressed.

"I think my boss was just poaching you." Abby said.

"I think you may be right."

"Would you ever consider it?" Abby asked.

"No." Meredith chuckled. "Even though there's so much going on at Seattle Grace, it's home. I can't run away just because things got messy and difficult, as much as I want to. I would be just like my mother if I did that. And I'll never be taken seriously if I come here. I'm already known as Ellis Grey's daughter, but here I'd never be Meredith."

"I see your point. They praise your mom here so much, you wouldn't hear the end of it." Abby and Meredith smile at each other. "Come on, let's go get something to eat. I'm taking you to one of my favorite restaurants. It's open til 2 AM so I go there a lot when I get off a late shift." Abby linked her arm with Meredith's and the two headed to the elevators.

* * *

Christina stood at the nurses station writing down post op instructions in a patients chart, instructions dictated by Dr. Hahn. At least she was working in cardio, she worships at the alter of cardio even though she doesn't get along well with her mentor. She wasn't in the best mood. Her person flew three thousand miles away instead of coming to her. She felt kind of hurt. She also felt pissed at Shepherd. "Hey." Izzie said as she walked up. "Have you heard anything from Mer?"

"Nope."

"Do you think I should call her? I mean I don't want to seem annoying and pushy but I'm really worried about her. I mean she flew all the way to Boston without saying a word to anyone don't you think that's a little concerning?" Izzie rambled.

"Okay, I know all this. Mer said she needed time so let's just give her time. It's not like she's never coming back." Christina snapped. "Talk to her when she gets back."

"Hey ladies." Nurse Tyler said when he walked up. "Dr. Yang do you have those post op notes?" he asked.

"Yeah I'm just finishing them up." Christina said as she finished writing in the binder. She closed the folder and handed the chart to Tyler. "Try not to kill my patient." She stated.

"Your patient is safe with me." Tyler said rolling his eyes. "Oh by the way I heard McSteamy and Meredith broke up. All the nurses are talking about how he's dating Rose now."

"Okay first of all Shepherd is McDreamy, Sloan is McSteamy, get it right, and second, since when do you engage in gossip?" Christina barked.

"Since it became entertaining. But it's true right? They broke up?"

"Shut up and mind your own business." Christina sneers.

"Hey look it's McDreamy. See ya'." Tyler laughed before walking away.

"Dr, Yang, Dr, Stevens how are you today?" Derek asked. The two residents just stared at him disapprovingly. "Have any of you seen Dr. Grey? She was supposed to be on my service for the rest of the week." He asked. Christina scoffed and Izzie chuckles as she rolled her eyes.

"Meredith's not here. She wasn't feeling well so she didn't come in today." Christina stated.

"Oh. That's too bad." Derek said, ignoring the glares from the two residents.

"It is."

"Well tell her I hope she feels better and that I'll see her tomorrow." He says. Izzie scoffs.

"Yeah I'm not gonna do that and she's not coming in tomorrow. She'll be back on Monday." Christina states, not looking at the neurosurgeon.

"Wow she must really be sick. How is she doing I mean is she okay?" Derek asked. He's concerned that Meredith is so sick she couldn't come into work. It's saying a lot.

"Look I'm not going to tell you anything about Mer now." Christina snapped. "You two broke up. You don't have a right to know anymore. And the fact that you repeatedly claimed she was the love of your life but you moved on so quickly really makes me and everyone Mer cares about hate you. You waited what, two hours before asking someone else out? Tell me did you even love her? Because if you did it would've taken you a lot longer than two hours to move on." she lectured. "What Meredith does now is none of your business, so do yourself a favor and stay away. Go enjoy a bright and shiny life with your nurse." Christina said before walking away, Izzie following in tow. The two residents left Derek in the dust, speechless. If he didn't feel guilty before he sure did now.

* * *

The restaurant Abby mentioned was only five minutes away from the hospital. They drove over the Longfellow Bridge, a bridge that runs over the Charles River. The two now sit at a table at Firebrand Saints eating burgers. "This is a good burger." Meredith says.

"Right. I love it here." Abby smiles before taking another bite from her burger.

"So I listened to a voicemail my roommate Alex left me. He told me Derek went out to dinner with the woman he kissed last night." Meredith said.

"Wow. If I'm remembering right you guys broke up yesterday."

"Yup. I don't know what to think."

"He's getting to the rebound phase awfully fast."

"Or he's met someone who can give him what he wants. Marriage, kids, the promise of happily every after."

"I thought he wanted all of that with you."

"So did I but maybe he just wanted it with someone who can give it to him. Hearing that he moved on so quickly, it feels like he never really loved me. Maybe he just loved the idea of me." Meredith says sadly. Abby looks at her friend and sighs. She gives her a small smile. The two finish their meal and then head back to Abby's apartment.

"So you can crash in the guest room. I have to work tomorrow. Will you be okay here alone?" Abby asks.

"Yeah I'll be fine." Meredith smiles.

* * *

 **Wow I am so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I feel so guilty. Anyway here's another chapter, but I have a question for you guys: Do you like reading short chapters with frequent updates or long chapters with a longer wait time? You're my readers and this story is for you so I just want to know what you think/prefer. Short chapters with frequent updates (500- 1,000 words or less), or waiting two or three weeks for long chapters (more that 2,000 words). Let me know.**


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